Acceptance of bipolar by John

There are many forms of bipolar. It seems that people with Bipolar all manifest their own unique symptoms.Some are more alike than others, some are more different.

Which of course is logical, because every human being is unique.
The major symptom of my Bipolarity is hyper-sexuality. In men, which I am. It is called Satyriasis.

From the Satyrs who lived isolated in abandoned forests living wildly like half-human, half beasts.
The above is probably a good description of hyper-sexuality.

In the depressive phase of bipolar, sex is used as a method of coping with the depressed moods and I seek isolation.

In the manic phase sex becomes an insatiable lust dominated by impulses, some times combined by hallucinations.

In the manic phase I want be very social, which I did at first. But after I had several negative experiences of behaving inappropriate towards women, I decided it would be better to isolate myself to protect others and me.

In such cases prostitutes or escorts would need to do which is a huge strain on money. And usually I regret such impulsive decisions later.
Those are the times I feel as if I am a beast. When I am neither depressed, nor overly excited I feel more human, more normal.

A long time a go I went to a psychiatrist. Not one, but three. They decided I was such a severe case I needed a team of psychiatrists. They wanted to give me anti-psychotic medication. It was explained to me the anti-psychotics would remove both and the depressive and manic phases. But I only wanted the depressive phases out of my life and reduced sexual desires.

Other severe side effects of the medication was reduced emotions, tremors, increased chance of a stroke, nightmares, and the list went on. Essentially the medication would turn me in a emotionless zombie. So obviously I refused the medication and left the psychiatrists forever.
You see Bipolar (at least for me) is not only all doom and gloom. There are many positive effects too. Especially in the manic phase. Like increased creativity, super concentration, high motivation, strong determination, no tiredness, incredible energy, and utter fearlessness.

When I am on my manic phase people some times ask me if I used cocaine, even tho I am totally sober.

I would never ever sacrifice the manic phase to get rid of the depressive phase. Its too valuable to me. But I am sure other people with bipolar experience their phases differently and would make that choice. So, I am speaking from my own personal experience.
Out of despair reduce my sexual desires I tried to use female hormones, but it wasn’t working well. Once in a while I had moments where I wanted to put myself in mental institution, because I had fantasies of brutally raping women. Luckily my moral consciousness is stronger than those urges, and I realized it’s just the bipolar talking as I would never intentionally harm somebody.

During that same period, I got kicked out of school and was not able to get any job.

If I was depressed I did not care about school, if I was manic I was too cool for school; making me show up only 2 or 3 days a month.

To deal with all of that I started using narcotics, especially benzodiazepines (benzos) to deal with my mood swings. Before I was becoming a total addict (I was already starting to show typical junkie behavior and went to prison for short time) I became aware I was going on a path of self-destruction and quickly stopped the drug abuse.

The withdrawal was quite rough, but I was used to the depressed phases and was able to handle it fairly well. I knew just like the down phase it’s just a matter of waiting it out.
After I overcame the addiction and had a clear mind again I had to be honest with myself. I didn’t want any medication, and I did not want any help from psychologists, nor did I want help from friends, cause they wouldn’t understand me anyway.

I had to do this all alone, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I did however had one “friend” who had been with my all my life and completely understood me. That friend is called bipolar.

I did not want to fight the bipolar anymore. I was tired of fighting it, and it never accomplished anything.

So I surrendered to the bipolar, I let go of all hope of being ‘cured’. I finally accepted who I was. I embraced it all.

I cried, I cried for many hours. It felt as if a heavy burden was falling off me.
Thus I began to work with my bipolar instead of working against it. And I am still working with old pal bipolar everyday.

While I still experience negativities, I have made many positive changes.

For example I use the depressive phases as just another source of creativity. I welcome it now. It just another passing thing like the tides of ocean. I learned the ”schedule” of my cycles. I learned to recognize the signs of when my moods go up or down, so I am prepared for what is coming. In my depressed phase I can just be alone, write things, reflect on life, cry a bit.

Then on my ‘normal’ or in between phase I can relax more, enjoy things for what they are. And on my manic phase I can put things into action, get things moving forward and be inspired.

I admit I still cant totally ‘control’ my bipolar, but I think with time it will get better. I have stopped seeing it as a disease or disorder. I think we should lose that stigma. Its a power, maybe even a superpower haha. A power needs to be handled well, nurtured, and guided. When a power is abused it will lead to self-destruction, suicide, harm to the others around you, and hurt the people you love.

If you can control the bipolar its no longer a disease, but a great thing. It can be a gift or a curse. Its up to you.

Bipolar has given me both negative and positive things and has shaped me into the person I am today. I am grateful for being alive and happy with who I am, but of course I am constantly improving. I hope other people with mental illness and bipolar learn to recognize that it doesn’t have to be so bad and that taking obstacles as a new challenge to better yourself is a good thing.
So my advice to bipolars:
Know yourself, find your limits, don’t fight it, don’t hope for a cure, don’t fear it, and manage the cycles, so that each cycle supports the other. Do not avoid the obstacles, but accept the obstacles as a fundamental part of life itself.

May all the good people who read this enjoy happiness.

2 thoughts on “Acceptance of bipolar by John”

  1. Thanks for taking the time to write all this out. It’s great to hear your story, your experiences.
    I think it’s important to hear a lot of experiences, to share, and to gain insight into our own stories.
    Wish you luck with continuing the fight, and the ride.

    Like

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