It seems that every parent has some sort of success story behind their parenting. Since my children are literally perfectly flawless creations, I figured I would share some of my parenting genius for you all. So, I have compiled what I deemed to be the best facts to help you raise the best kids. Here are 7 tips to make your children better. Enjoy!
1. First things first, make sure you plan out EVERYTHING. You want to make sure you do this before you’re pregnant if at all possible. Make sure to account for every moment possible. But don’t have a back-up plan. You don’t want to show her your lack of confidence in her abilities by having contingency plans, do you? So, make sure to perfect that plan A! Don’t leave anything for chance, improvisation, individuality, set-backs, or whatever.
2. You want to make sure to build character from the beginning. The last thing you want your toddler to be is dependent on everyone else, right? You want your child to be a winner! If your child is legitimately hungry, they’ll figure it out. Did she fall and hurt herself? Don’t coddle her, let her toughen up. And sportsmanship? She’ll lose until she wins, period.
3. Make sure you’re tough with discipline. You should be running your family like some sort of totalitarian dictator. Make sure the rules are arbitrary, situation based, and over-the-top. The stricter and more nonsensical the rules, the better.
4. Watch what food you buy! In order for your children to be the best, they must eat the best. Make sure that you only buy local, organic, antibiotic free, hormone free, free-range, and non-GMO products. Really, you might just want to avoid dairy, eggs, soy, gluten, peanuts, tree nuts, wheat, meat, Oreos, and flavor. Just eat grass. Also, you can’t trust anything if it’s not from a Whole Foods or other health food store, so don’t bother shopping anywhere else.
5. Two words: boarding school. The only way they can truly socialize is for you to completely destroy your parental bonds in order to clear a way for easier networking by shipping them off to boarding school. It would be preferable if the school retrieves them by dragging them out of the bed in the middle of the night. That’s how the most precious memories are made.
6. Make them pay for everything. How else will they learn the value of hard work and money? Is your toddler hungry? Make him get a job. Don’t set up the expectation that you’ll clothe them, either. At least not for free. Be like a loan shark with all of their debts. The real world is a cruel place, and they need to learn that from a young age.
7. Use your electronics to your advantage! Electronic babysitters are the best, and they are economical options too. Why would you pay a human to do a job a machine can much more easily do? Need to get some cleaning done? Set the kids in front of the TV for a few hours and lock the door. Voila, you get your chores done, the kids enjoy 5 hours of TV time! Going on a long weekend getaway? Set the kids up with their video game systems and lay out a food bowl. You get three days without kids, the kids get three days to improve their high scores! It’s simple, quick, and effective.
So, there you have it. Call me in ten years when your child is the most mild-mannered and winningest child out of all of your friends. I know that you’ll be begging me for more of these pro-tips.
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© Long’s Story Shorts, 2016