I’m no saint before I had a child I was wild and I partied all the time, went to raves, festivals, clubs and I did lots of drugs. Lsd, 2cb, 2ci, mushrooms, Molly, ecstasy, sas, cocaine, Xanax, norcos, and the list goes on. I am happy to say I’ve never done meth or heroin however it has been proved that most ecstasy does contain those drugs usually the ecstasy that makes you feel up are the methy ones and the ones that make you feel down and not want to get up can contain some heroin . I’m not condoning it or saying it’s a cool thing to do or advertising for people to go out and do it because drugs are dangerous. I’m simply just informing you about how I feel and what I’ve done and being completely honest. Anyway, like I said I’ve done drugs and lived that life and I’m not going to lie I had fun , loved my life, and I was living like every day was my last. I had been doing hard drugs since I was 15. My boyfriend at the time and I pretty much tried everything together and that’s where it began.
When I was 15 I met this guy I went to school with. My friend actually liked him and I didn’t think much of him at all but I had Spanish with him so I told her I’d give him her number. One day after class I tell him what’s up and that he should take her number, we were in a hurry to get home so he said just give me your number and you can text it to me. Being 15 and not so bright I was just like whatever and did it. Once I got home he started texting me and after a couple hours of texting I finally said ” hey so want me to send you my friends number?” And he replied ” no I’m good.” That’s where it all began. We became friends and talked all the time. Then after while we started meeting up after school at the park to hangout. Soon after that he started sneaking into my bedroom window which wasn’t easy, he had to climb under bushes and what not and once winter came he’d have to crawl through the snow. We didn’t do anything at first for a long while, we would just lay there and talk all night in the dark and then he’d leave. After some time I became fixated on losing my virginity. We were both virgins. We still weren’t dating even though he wanted to be. I brought this up to him and we talked about it for a while before we both decided to go for it. Once we did we became so crazy in love and never wanted to leave each other’s side. We literally became glued together and did everything together. We started smoking weed together and that’s where it began. He started smoking before I did but I wanted to try it and he made it happen. As I mentioned before we did tons of drugs together. After a year of just smoking weed together we started trying hallucinogens such as mushrooms and lsd. We always had fun together and never thought of the consequences. As time continued we started getting in trouble together getting drug tested by our parents and what not but we just thought it was all dumb and didn’t care all we cared about was being with each other and having fun. We had such a passionate, crazy, fun bond together that our relationship seemed unstoppable we had our issues, we were just young kids and had already done the whole on and off thing during high school when I was 16 he was 17. We ran away with each other before, it wasn’t for long, because our parents tried keeping us apart and once that happened they just gave up.
As the years went on when I was 19 years old I lost my mother to suicide, which was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was with the same guy at the time and he didn’t know how to handle the situation. At first he tried being there for me, laying with me, letting me cry in his lap but after a few days which ended up turning into weeks of me crying non stop , he began yelling at me to stop, telling me it’s getting annoying and was just so extremely cold towards me. I’d sit in the shower with the water on the hottest setting and just cry until the hot water ran out and turned beat cold and id continue sitting there not caring, letting the freezing cold water surround my body. He wouldn’t check on me or ask if I was ok, he just continued on with his life. After a while I finally started blocking everything out and just trying to forget and move on but no one told me this type of death is something you don’t get over. It’s something that never heals, you will grieve forever. So as I continued to jump back into our lives of partying, drugs and reckless fun he and I became close again. Which Isn’t how it should’ve been because his behavior the way he handled me when I was completely broken was absolutely horrible. But of course I was young and in love, looked past it, and forgave him. However after things are going so well, they always come tumbling down. After months of fun and things going so well, of course that came to an end and we’d go back and forth between fighting physically, emotionally, and mentally to loving each other and constantly flip flopping. I knew he was talking to another girl, a girl I knew and I called it from the start that they were going to end up being together at some point. It made me crazy because he claimed to be just friends and her wanting to hang out with me too but it never happened and I knew it was shady business. So one day, a day I’ll never forget because his words burned into my heart and soul and killed me inside. We were arguing and our arguments were always bad . I can’t remember exactly what we were arguing about but I yelled at him and he yelled back at me saying, “why don’t you go hang yourself like your mom did!” Him saying that hurt me so immensely. The fact that this person who claimed to love me so much was able to say something so horrible to me, just killed me. Little did he know I thought about it many times, and one thing I had always secretly done when I was sad and alone was choke myself til I almost passed out trying to make the exact imprints on my neck that I had seen on my mothers. There were times I thought about ending my life the same way but I never would and I couldn’t do that because I understood the pain that suicide caused. The reason I’d choke myself and do that whole ordeal was because I wanted to feel closer to my mom, to feel what she felt, and when I was done and would look at my neck in the mirror with the mark it wasn’t my neck I was seeing, it was hers. It’s extremely fucked up but I continued doing that for a very long time because it made me feel better in a twisted way. Anyway soon after he said those horrible words to me, I knew I needed to leave. I knew that’s something you just cannot forgive. Plus I knew he was still talking to this other girl. Insanely I still loved him but ever since then I’d randomly get angry because I’d remember what he said and I knew if I were to continue to stay and be with him that we’d be miserable because I would always go back to that and wouldn’t be able to forgive him. Also, if I did stay I was allowing not only myself to be disrespected in such a horrible way but he also disrespected my mother, who he knew and spent time with as well. Leaving was so hard for me after being with him for so long. Don’t get me wrong we had a pretty fucked up relationship anyway the whole break up, then make up thing . We’d be with new people when we broke up then we’d just get back together which is not even cool. But still we truly did love one another which is why it was so hard for us both to let go. When I finally did leave for good it started off with us not talking but that changed quickly . We began texting one another again as friends and would hangout, smoke together, cuddle on the couch , do things that were “normal” to us. We both started seeing other people, him seeing the girl mentioned before, which we both claimed were not serious which mine wasn’t so we kept hanging out and continuing to be “friends.” I took this guy who I wasn’t serious about (reason I wasn’t serious is because he constantly talked about his ex girlfriend to me who I know he still wanted to be with and would show me photos of them doing sexual activities) to a festival where my now ex boyfriend was at too. Introduced them they both knew who the other was and it was fine . When this new guy went to get us drinks my ex comes up and starts talking to me telling me to stop hanging out with weirdos and gives me 3 hits of acid. Of course I take them all. Once dude comes back we go enjoy some music I told him I took the acid because before the festival he said he wasn’t going to do any drugs and I respected that and would never try to pressure someone to. Once I started tripping balls I felt so out of place and uncomfortable with this guy. He didn’t make me feel safe how I was used to. I tried to get over it and just enjoy the ride which worked out well. But in the back of my mind the whole time I just wanted my ex and my friends. I knew I could ditch this dude and go with them but I couldn’t do that to him I’m seriously not that much of an asshole. However that night when we got back to his place he fell asleep right away and that left me up alone. My ex was texting me and we were both tripping still and going on about how much we missed each other literally in tears because of how bad we were missing one another. He kept telling me to just leave and come over but I kept thinking back to what he said which made it harder and how I wasn’t just going to disappear from this guys house because that would be so mean. That was one of the hardest nights, wanting this other human being so bad because I loved him so much but knowing I shouldn’t go. The next morning I was still thinking about it and so upset. I cried in the shower for so long and ended up collapsing. This guy being an unstable person himself yet caring didn’t judge me , didn’t know exactly what was wrong but he came in picked me up out of the shower and wrapped me in a towel. He sat with me trying to provide comfort not knowing I was breaking down because of the guy I truly loved. He just assumed it was the aftermath of the drugs which also played a roll but I would never tell him what triggered it. After having that melt down I’m not too sure when exactly it was but soon after continued to hangout with my ex as “friends” even though he was seeing someone else too . He tried to get me back and it was extremely hard not to give in . He even tried getting one of our friends to talk to me and tell me how much he wants to be with me but once I told her the real reason I couldn’t go back she completely understood and couldn’t believe what he had said. I don’t want to make him out to be a monster because in all honesty he is a good guy, we had a lot of positive aspects of our relationship, and he did a lot for me which was why it was so hard for me because we had so many amazing memories but that one thing he said could never be taken back no matter how much he apologized. It was permanently burned into my heart and mind. I’m not saying he’s the only one at fault because I’m not perfect and we fucked each other over a lot over the years. But it took that one thing to make me realize I had to go .
After a while I’d say a month or so maybe after the festival I started talking to a different guy. This guy was not ordinary he knew so much about me, understood me, charmed me, and is insanely good looking. I had never met anyone like him before . We began talking and finally after texting and snap chatting for some time we decided to hangout. Once that happened it’s like I never looked back. This was the first guy I had ever been with that didn’t make me want to go back but made me excited to see what was yet to come. Once him and I were together I finally felt good again truly happy. I didn’t look back and want that anymore because he was so much more and so much better. He’s the first man I’ve never done anything wrong to. We aren’t perfect but I’m glad we found one another I truly believe we were meant to be and that’s why all of the chaos before happened. After being together for 9 months we went to Electric forest in June of 2014, my favorite camping festival and had a blast. A month later we found out I was pregnant. March 10, 2015 we had our beautiful baby boy and couldn’t be happier. We are coming up on 3 years of being together and I’m glad to say I’m happy with my little family we built in such a short amount of time. I’m happy to say as a mother I’ve given up my old ways and instead of living to die I began living for my son. I don’t do drugs anymore and when I’m not pregnant I’ll enjoy a drink but not as much as I used to. I don’t enjoy partying, big crowds, or wanting to go out often anymore. I’m happy at home spending time with my family watching my child learn and grow everyday. This is where I’m meant to be and plan to be til the end of time.