When you’re like me juggling mental illnesses since nine birthdays old
You really wish you had a maraschino cherry chapped red nose
The sweats and chills all night as you slept
And all you had to do to heal was sleep and watch YouTube
while eating that store bought chicken noodle soup that came so easily
As for medicine take some Nyquil and Dayquil
Within a week you will be normal
The flu is so simple and friendly
compared to keep your mind and from sinking or floating away
while swallowing five different medications twice daily
to help you through the storms.
I look in a window surrounded by dangling snowflakes
Dark contours linger above me
Alarms sing through my mind echoing each other
PTSD triggered by the deep sunset blue on an Anthropologies fuzzy cashmere sweater.
Flashes of light mixed with memories of colors choreograph a dance in my head
for what seems like hours
a panic attack leaves me looking a rag doll
I grab into my periwinkle pink sparkling bag and pull out
interventions like a magician’s handkerchief act.
They’re not working.
I scramble for help just as the clock strikes thirteen.
Time to eat. Shit!
Now at a colorful restaurant
I feel frozen like the ice cube I twirl with my candy colored straw.
I stare at my favorite food in an eating disorder frozen panic.
My plate covered with moldy inner cow parts, harden sticks of lard, and fast dissolving sugars.
Thinking I can’t eat these poisonous pounds of calories so I have a stare down
and end up wishing I just had the flu.